Later, A406

Originally written on Jun 23 2019 but some overlap issue kept happening with this post. 

It’s almost time to say goodbye to my apartment. This is my last weekend here and I feel like I still haven’t registered that. I just had a moment of realization after finishing watching a Gossip Girl episode and sitting on my chair to just chill. As soon as I did, I felt this “omg, this is the last time I’m doing this here”. It’s weird how you don’t realize but you get into routines and comforts of places and people. It’s not like I loved this place, I went through a lot living here, but it is still important to me. May be that’s why it is important to me. This is where I learned to be independent, finally. This is where I became a whole person, by myself, managing my own sorrows and happinesses. I learnt more procrastinating because it is easier when alone but I also learned how to get over that inertia without external factors. Is that an important skill in life? Probably not, because most people most of their lives are surrounded by at least one another person (or pet) which makes them more responsible but it was a learning curve that I’m glad to have crossed. I’m not saying it is all sunshine and rainbows but it is better now, I’m better now. I remember how a couple of years ago I was stunned at the epiphany of the fact that it is unfair and unrealistic to hand over 50% of your happiness to someone else but now I think I have the skill to not burden someone with that. And this is a really big change for me. I am a people’s person. And usually I like myself in situations that are in accordance with that but this apartment, creating this home was something that helped me become better, it helped me heal in a way where there wasn't a wound almost. Humans in other parts helped a lot but being here helped too. Did I love the decision of coming here? Not really, because it wasn't entirely for me, but do I regret it? Not really. As a close friend of mine says, you make choices and decisions as best you can at a point and accepting that and moving forward is the best way to go. Which is what I did I think. I’m still not my 100% and healing is harder when you have a tendency to be anxious but it is time, and it has felt like time to take bigger steps, to be courageous again, to move forward now, as hard as it can be. Am I completely ready? Nope. Not at all. I will realize leaving here when I actually do. But am I ready to try bigger and better again? Yes. For sure.