Oh Heartbreak!

Written a while ago but never posted it, now that I think I'm brave enough, I am ! :)

Oh, Heartbreak!

It's such a beautiful thing. I never thought I would be able to write this post. After months, almost a year of denial, rage and sadness I have reached this strange point of acceptance. First off, I never thought I was the kind to go through a real heartbreak but I did, where you absolutely believe in something with all of your heart and soul; but your belief turns out to be wrong. Not even almost-right kind of wrong, but black-and-white black kind of wrong. I had always believed people meet the wrong people along the way, learn from them and then when they know it's right, it really is right. But sometimes, you meet the right one. The one that you were waiting for and you are the one they were waiting for. At least that's what you both believe. But then, things happen! You realize how hard it actually  is to maintain a live entity like a relationship, especially when you have so much faith in it that you don't nurture it. But oh well, that's a story for another time.

This is about the aftermath. The heartbreak. The constant months of pain. The months after which you ultimately need to accept what you really believed was not it. I had a hole in my heart for months; and yes, it is a real thing if you haven't ever felt it. I actually literally felt like there is a hole in my heart. A constant reminder of my pain. 

The weeks where that hole started to reduce in size was a surprise for me; it was the first milestone in retrospect and I still remember the feeling of bewilderment. Then there were weeks where it only started appearing with a thought about the situation and that was a HUGE change for me. I couldn't believe I had dried up the emotions and had started moving in probably a positive direction. It was still a lot, but it wasn't constant at least. Those were the weeks where I started noticing the roads and the people and the city around me again. And then, it started healing. It rarely came up even when I deep dived about the whole story, which was almost never. That was a moment I never thought would materialize. 

I thought things would never change when for months all I did was replay scenes in my mind, months where my life was split two ways - one the facade and one the real one whom no one knew, months where it was hard to eat or drink anything, months of many other feelings that I don't want to revisit anymore. Then there were weeks of anger and then weeks of consciously pushing the thoughts away after weeks of personal resolution of the anger. It didn't help that I didn't have my closest near me. So basically, it was a year of not being myself. But out of it came a super clear realization of what a soulmate vs a life partner is, what a conversation vs argument is, what are my values and what values I like in others, what is friendship, but a fuzzier theory of what love is. It taught me where the strength quotes come from, it taught me where my strengths can be, it taught me how most people never confront themselves (there was basically one person that I know amongst numerous who has been through a process of self discovery like this, which shouldn't be by the way, the general spectrum of humans I fall under seems to be really overprotected or borderline delusional). Through this I realized I am a better version of myself now (a little smile about that) and ultimately I think it is better to experience this now than at an age where I would be extremely set in my ways to even be able to deal with this well. It was hard as it is being a fully functional adult facing real failure for the first time. 

Of course there are some disadvantages to this because this point has been reached by quietly shutting off some doors, and accepting some human behaviors like no other and like never. It is going to result to a state where I don't think I will ever let my happiness be 50% dependent on another human. That number is simply too high (don't know why that's the default anyway in most societies, cultures and upbringings). But this also means that there is a lesser possibility of another human making me a lot happier. Which I have mixed feelings about because all my life I have classified myself as a romantic in all aspects.

Well, we will see what future has in store. Hopefully (let's face it, not having a future and dying is also a possibility -  I mean it as a joke but real if you know what I mean). 

Ciao!